I've been thinking a lot about guilt and blame today. There are a lot of what ifs in my head. I keep thinking, "What if I had said...?" "What if I had talked to her more rather than just saying hi in the faculty room and asking about her kids?" "What if I had known that she was this upset? Could I have stopped it?" "What if I had been closer to her?"
We actually had a meeting yesterday, and we were told that feelings of guilt are natural, but we don't want to get to the place where we blame ourselves or feel shame for what happened. The hard thing is I tend to do that. I'm the kind of person who worries and have "what ifs" in my head ALL of the time. I wasn't a really close friend of hers; we mainly just saw each other in passing in the faculty room, and our kids were together in daycare, but I still feel guilt because I am naturally this type of person. In addition, I was concerned this morning when I talked to my 16-year-old, and she was going over her "what ifs" with me in the car on the way to school. I don't have all of the answers. I don't know why things happened the way they did. I will never know all of the answers. All I do know is people are suffering, and I can't go back and change the "what ifs". We have to move forward.
So, as I've gone through my routine of teaching and then being at home with my kids today, in the back of my mind I have been thinking about the victims in this tragedy. So many people are suffering on both sides. I saw a post from the victim's mom on Facebook, and my heart was broken in two again. What an awful thing to experience! No parent should ever outlive their child or have their child taken away from them this way. Then I started thinking about the ex-husband and her twins. He is now dealing with the pain of losing a girlfriend, and he's going to be raising his twins as a single parent. I honestly can't wrap my head around it all. How do I move past the feelings of guilt and blame? How do I let people know that I sympathize with them? If I do tell them that, will they believe me? Especially when they know that I was her colleague, and I am struggling with mental illness myself?
I don't have all the answers. I wish that I did. I wish that I could talk to everyone that has been affected by this and tell them that they are in my prayers. I wish that I could go back and change the past. I am starting to see the appeal of the TV show Dr. Who because then I could be a Time Lord and travel in my Tardis to change what happened in the past. But, sadly, I can't do that.
A very wise friend told me today that he is going to focus on the good things in the past and try not to dwell on what happened over the weekend. He's going to remember the positive things that came before such a tragedy and not think about all of the negatives. As we spoke today, I realized that he has the right attitude. I can't continue to think of the "what ifs" or go back in time and change what happened. The only thing I can do is focus on the positive and try to move on from here. I can't continue with the feelings of guilt and blame; I have to wrap my head around what happened and then move on.
I have to accept that this terrible tragedy happened, and I can't fix it. All I can do is sympathize with all of the victims and all those involved and pray for them. All I can do is continue to talk to my daughter about the "what ifs" and reassure her that this isn't something that we could have seen coming.
I can also start looking at events like this with new eyes. No more will I look at a tragedy like this and assume that a person who commits such an act is 100% evil. There is good and bad in everyone; we can never tell when the bad will come out, and we can't change it when it does. Also, I will never again be able to watch the news or a TV drama or a movie or even read a book and not feel sympathy for the victims that are affected by such acts.
I know that the events of this past weekend were horrific, and I hope that no one has to ever experience what my community is experiencing right now. I hope that no one has to ever feel the guilt and worry about the "what ifs" like I am tonight. But, if they do, I want them to know that I sympathize. I want them to know that I am crying inside for them, and I would fix things for them if I could.
I just want to end with saying that not only have I learned to be more sympathetic through all of this, but I have also learned how important faith and love are in my life. I have seen an outpouring of love from those I work with and even from my students. In fact, yesterday, as I read the email to my students that we were asked to read, I had tears in my eyes. I was so worried about how this would impact the victim's family, my colleague's children and family, and the students she taught that I couldn't hold the tears in as I let my students know a terrible tragedy had occurred. Yet, when that class of students filed out the door, I had one come over and ask, "Mrs. Billings, are you okay?" He was more concerned about me than he was about his own feelings, and I was reminded then and there that love exists in this world.
So, as I experience my own feelings of guilt and blame, I just want everyone who is involved and affected by this to know that I have love for them in my heart even if I have never met them. I am praying for them; I am hoping that they will find some sense of peace eventually. I know that it will not be immediate; I know that it is going to take a long time to ever find peace, but I have faith that justice will be served and the price for what has happened will be paid. I also have an overwhelming feeling and belief in the atonement of Jesus Christ. I try not to get religious in these posts, but for some reason it is really standing out in my mind right now. I know that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, and He will encompass those who are suffering with His love. So, I'm putting my trust in Him, and I know that I will continue to feel guilt and confusion, but I also know that He will help me move past that so I can help others and lift them up when they are down.
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Monday, November 26, 2018
Mental Health Issues
I received some very shocking news today that I need to write about in order to help me process. A coworker of mine whom I love dearly, and who also taught my daughter, was arrested and charged for a very serious crime. Let me first of all say this, I am not saying she should not pay for her actions. She needs to be held accountable, and I am all for the justice system deciding what the consequences should be. What's really been hurtful are the comments that have been made on social media by parents and students alike about mental health and how teachers are chosen to teach.
First of all, this teacher did teach health, and she clearly had mental health issues. However, who doesn't? Especially a teacher or any parents? I would love to meet anyone who is involved with kids in any way who is not dealing with mental health issues.
Second, mental health issues are a disease. I deal with anxiety and depression daily. I have been on medication for the last fifteen years to help combat my depression and anxiety. I see a therapist periodically as well because I know that prescription drugs do not solve the problem. However, therapy doesn't solve the problem either. I am going to be dealing with anxiety and depression until the day I die. It is a genetic trait that I have inherited, and fortunately, my doctor saw it early on and took the steps needed to help me. I have attempted suicide in the past; I have wanted to lock myself in my room at times and never come out. I've wanted to scream and yell at the top of my lungs just to get it out. There have even been times when I have thrown things (kitchen glasses or dishes) and broken them to help me feel better. When I get to this point, I always have to apologize to my family because I know I am not in my right mind. They know I am not in my right mind. That being said, I can't always tell when a breakdown is going to happen. I may have nothing at all going on in my life to cause me stress, and I breakdown. I withdraw; I get angry; I cry; I do things that I usually regret afterwards. Again, I do these things because I am not in my right mind.
However, does my mental illness make me a bad person? Should I not be teaching because I have mental health issues? Should I stay at home and lock myself away for the rest of my life? According to many comments that have been made that is exactly what I should do. I should no longer be teaching, and I cannot be trusted with my students. This teacher friend of mine did not commit the crime at the school. But because she is a school teacher should she have been teaching at all? Should she have quit her job as soon as she learned about her mental health illness? If that's the case I never would have taught past my first two years.
My whole point is, we don't know the complete story. None of us were there when it happened. None of us know what went on except for her and the victim. I truly wish that as a world we would react with sympathy and love more than judgement and blame. My heart is shattered because my friend's family and children are suffering as are the victim's family. There are people involved who will never recover from this, yet the community I live in is blaming it on the system and stating that this means we need background checks more often. Even after our principal explained today that when something like this happens the police and individuals charged are supposed to notify the school, and after a letter was sent out to parents explaining the situation, there are still people stating that our system is broken. I'm just heartbroken to see that a community I love and grew up in is more worried about the system than they are worried about the children. I am more worried about the students who left my room today in tears because they couldn't process the information. I am more worried about the victim's family who will never be able to recover. I am more worried about my friend and her family who will never be able to go back and undo what has been done.
I'm asking for more sympathy and kindness. Our school system isn't perfect, and yes, there are things that could have been done prior to the events of this past weekend, but please don't assume that just because someone is struggling with mental illness means that your children are not safe around them. In all reality, we are around people everyday who are struggling. Unless we all lock ourselves away in our individual homes, we are going to be around people who struggle with mental illness. Is that what we want to teach our children? We do not know each individual's struggles; we do not know what each individual person is thinking or feeling. I just know that for me, I'm going to try and follow the advice my grandpa gave before he passed away: "Never judge a man until you've walked around in his moccasins."
My prayers go out to all involved in this tragedy. I pray that the victim's family will find peace. I pray that my friend will be able to live with the consequences of her actions. I pray that her children and other family members will find peace. Most of all I pray that my students will know that even though a person may be dealing with mental health issues, it doesn't mean that they are evil at heart.
First of all, this teacher did teach health, and she clearly had mental health issues. However, who doesn't? Especially a teacher or any parents? I would love to meet anyone who is involved with kids in any way who is not dealing with mental health issues.
Second, mental health issues are a disease. I deal with anxiety and depression daily. I have been on medication for the last fifteen years to help combat my depression and anxiety. I see a therapist periodically as well because I know that prescription drugs do not solve the problem. However, therapy doesn't solve the problem either. I am going to be dealing with anxiety and depression until the day I die. It is a genetic trait that I have inherited, and fortunately, my doctor saw it early on and took the steps needed to help me. I have attempted suicide in the past; I have wanted to lock myself in my room at times and never come out. I've wanted to scream and yell at the top of my lungs just to get it out. There have even been times when I have thrown things (kitchen glasses or dishes) and broken them to help me feel better. When I get to this point, I always have to apologize to my family because I know I am not in my right mind. They know I am not in my right mind. That being said, I can't always tell when a breakdown is going to happen. I may have nothing at all going on in my life to cause me stress, and I breakdown. I withdraw; I get angry; I cry; I do things that I usually regret afterwards. Again, I do these things because I am not in my right mind.
However, does my mental illness make me a bad person? Should I not be teaching because I have mental health issues? Should I stay at home and lock myself away for the rest of my life? According to many comments that have been made that is exactly what I should do. I should no longer be teaching, and I cannot be trusted with my students. This teacher friend of mine did not commit the crime at the school. But because she is a school teacher should she have been teaching at all? Should she have quit her job as soon as she learned about her mental health illness? If that's the case I never would have taught past my first two years.
My whole point is, we don't know the complete story. None of us were there when it happened. None of us know what went on except for her and the victim. I truly wish that as a world we would react with sympathy and love more than judgement and blame. My heart is shattered because my friend's family and children are suffering as are the victim's family. There are people involved who will never recover from this, yet the community I live in is blaming it on the system and stating that this means we need background checks more often. Even after our principal explained today that when something like this happens the police and individuals charged are supposed to notify the school, and after a letter was sent out to parents explaining the situation, there are still people stating that our system is broken. I'm just heartbroken to see that a community I love and grew up in is more worried about the system than they are worried about the children. I am more worried about the students who left my room today in tears because they couldn't process the information. I am more worried about the victim's family who will never be able to recover. I am more worried about my friend and her family who will never be able to go back and undo what has been done.
I'm asking for more sympathy and kindness. Our school system isn't perfect, and yes, there are things that could have been done prior to the events of this past weekend, but please don't assume that just because someone is struggling with mental illness means that your children are not safe around them. In all reality, we are around people everyday who are struggling. Unless we all lock ourselves away in our individual homes, we are going to be around people who struggle with mental illness. Is that what we want to teach our children? We do not know each individual's struggles; we do not know what each individual person is thinking or feeling. I just know that for me, I'm going to try and follow the advice my grandpa gave before he passed away: "Never judge a man until you've walked around in his moccasins."
My prayers go out to all involved in this tragedy. I pray that the victim's family will find peace. I pray that my friend will be able to live with the consequences of her actions. I pray that her children and other family members will find peace. Most of all I pray that my students will know that even though a person may be dealing with mental health issues, it doesn't mean that they are evil at heart.
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
Found Poetry
The last couple of months I have had the privilege of having a student teacher in my classroom. My students are really funny about it because they seem to think that the student teacher is harder than I am, but in all reality, she gives them the same assignments that I would give them. She may grade differently, but she still teaches the same standards and often times does more fun activities and assignments than I do. I always enjoy student teachers for the most part because I feel I learn from them just as much as they learn from me, if I don't learn more. Not only do I learn new things, but I am reminded of strategies I have used in the past, and I have time to plan better for the two classes that I still teach.
I'm currently teaching the novel The Things They Carried to my AP Language and Composition class. This is the first time I have read the book myself, and I wanted to do meaningful assignments for the students, so of course I looked to what other teachers have done. As I was looking at various websites and lesson plans, I found one unit that had the students write what is called a Found Poem. The assignment has students write down words and phrases that stand out to them while reading and then they edit and delete those words and phrases to create a poem. Since I was taught by great examples, I learned that I should write with my students. I try to never give a writing assignment that I have not written myself, so tonight, I came home and I created a found poem of my own. I'm posting it here because I actually like what I cam up with, and I usually don't like the poetry I create. I'm excited to share it with my students tomorrow, but I'm even more excited to see what they come up with when they complete the assignment on their own.
Here's the example I wrote for them:
I'm currently teaching the novel The Things They Carried to my AP Language and Composition class. This is the first time I have read the book myself, and I wanted to do meaningful assignments for the students, so of course I looked to what other teachers have done. As I was looking at various websites and lesson plans, I found one unit that had the students write what is called a Found Poem. The assignment has students write down words and phrases that stand out to them while reading and then they edit and delete those words and phrases to create a poem. Since I was taught by great examples, I learned that I should write with my students. I try to never give a writing assignment that I have not written myself, so tonight, I came home and I created a found poem of my own. I'm posting it here because I actually like what I cam up with, and I usually don't like the poetry I create. I'm excited to share it with my students tomorrow, but I'm even more excited to see what they come up with when they complete the assignment on their own.
Here's the example I wrote for them:
“Not Even to my Wife”
The story makes me squirm
A hard story to tell
Moral Emergency?
A secret hero?
A secret reservoir of courage?
Once people are dead, you can’t make them undead
Feeling the blood
Thick behind my eyes
A silent howl
Rage in my stomach
A disassembly line
Gravity took over
Not pleasant work
Feeling sorry for myself
My life seemed to be collapsing
Toward SLAUGHTER!
I did not want to DIE
It was a moral split
It was a moral split
I feared the war
Feared exile
Bitter
Real disease
Something broke open in my chest
Something vague
It was not a happy ending
I went to the war
A coward!
Thursday, February 22, 2018
Should I carry a concealed weapon as a teacher?
This morning at 6:45 AM my phone rang. It was a message from the principal where I teach asking us to please read an email ASAP. Being the obedient person I am, and of course, I was curious as well, I opened my email account and read the email we were asked to read. To sum it up, there has been a threat posted on social media warning students at SHS about a shooting. Luckily/unfortunately, the school I teach at is SHS. The principal went on to explain that the local police have investigated, and they believe there is no threat to our school, but there would be increased police presence on campus today.
Now those of you who know me well know that I struggle with anxiety. So, after reading the email, my anxiety set in. In addition to teaching at SHS, I also have a daughter who is a sophomore here, and I bring my five-year-old son to the daycare here for the morning before he leaves for kindergarten in the afternoon. As I went through my routine of getting ready for the day, my heart continued to pound. I was thinking about what I would do if there was a shooter at our school, but I also was thinking about what I would do for my own children. My thoughts ran this way: "I will make Rachel and Tommy stay home today. They will be safer at home than at the school." But then, "Rachel won't want to miss school; she has straight A's, and she won't miss unless she absolutely has to. So, I will just leave Tommy home." Then, "Tommy has a field trip today with the daycare. He won't want to miss." By the time I was ready, I had calmed myself enough that all three of us were going to SHS.
However, the first conversation I had with my daughter was about the potential threat, and the fact that we would see more law enforcement today than we usually do. Her response, "Mom, it's not our school. It's another school. I'm not scared about this." I wish that I had the peace of mind that she does, but at the same time, I went on to tell her that we can't take vague threats lightly. What has our world come to that these are the conversations we are having with our children first thing in the morning?
I'm not against guns at all. I grew up with two brothers, and three nephews who love guns. Not to mention, numerous uncles and cousins who all taught me how to handle and shoot a gun. One of my favorite activities in college and when I first got married was to go skeet shooting with roommates and friends. While in elementary school, I looked forward to the annual deer hunt with my dad and brothers. It was exciting to be up in the mountains and searching for the perfect buck. It hasn't been until the past year that my fear of guns has increased.
The school shooting last week in Florida has me thinking a lot of different thoughts. I don't think guns should be banned; I think we should be able to own and use guns as we see fit. But, how do we prevent future shootings? How do I continue to reassure my children and students that we are safe when the local law enforcement tells us that it's not if but when? How do I go to school in the morning and focus on what students need to learn when in the back of my mind I'm worried about whether or not my door is locked and I'm ready to close it in seconds if a shooter enters the building? Just so you know, as I got dressed this morning, my wardrobe decision consisted of what is comfortable, but also what can I run in if there is a threat.
I've always wanted to be a teacher. I read to my dolls out loud when I was growing up. I had "grade books" for them that I would keep track of, and I loved everything about education. There was a short time when I thought I would be an attorney, but that lasted about nine months. In my heart, I am a teacher.
President Trump recently spoke about the possibility of teachers carrying concealed weapons. He made some great points, but I cannot see myself carrying a weapon to school each day. School is supposed to be a place of learning and growing, not a place that feels like a prison (even though students might tell you it's that way already). I should be able to send my children to school each day without the worry of whether or not there will be a shooter. I should be able to teach my students, and allow them to teach me without the worry of whether or not there will be a shooter. We should all be able to send our children to school and go about our daily routines without the worry of whether or not there will be a shooter. We don't live in a war zone; we live in the USA. Our country is respected and admired by others because of our freedoms and the independence we enjoy. Teachers should not have to carry concealed weapons, I won't get a concealed weapon because I am way too nervous to carry a gun myself. I will rely on our law enforcement and others to help in a situation because they are better trained than I am. Not to mention, I don't think I could ever shoot a person.
I love my job, and I am not saying let's ban guns everywhere. I just want to see a positive change in the world. I want to be able to go to work without my anxiety medication and without having to warn my students of threats during first period. I want my students to come to school without having to worry about a shooter coming into the building and killing them or their friends. I don't know the answers, but I do know that I love my job and I love my students, so I'll keep coming everyday, even though there are threats out there because what I do is what I love.
Now those of you who know me well know that I struggle with anxiety. So, after reading the email, my anxiety set in. In addition to teaching at SHS, I also have a daughter who is a sophomore here, and I bring my five-year-old son to the daycare here for the morning before he leaves for kindergarten in the afternoon. As I went through my routine of getting ready for the day, my heart continued to pound. I was thinking about what I would do if there was a shooter at our school, but I also was thinking about what I would do for my own children. My thoughts ran this way: "I will make Rachel and Tommy stay home today. They will be safer at home than at the school." But then, "Rachel won't want to miss school; she has straight A's, and she won't miss unless she absolutely has to. So, I will just leave Tommy home." Then, "Tommy has a field trip today with the daycare. He won't want to miss." By the time I was ready, I had calmed myself enough that all three of us were going to SHS.
However, the first conversation I had with my daughter was about the potential threat, and the fact that we would see more law enforcement today than we usually do. Her response, "Mom, it's not our school. It's another school. I'm not scared about this." I wish that I had the peace of mind that she does, but at the same time, I went on to tell her that we can't take vague threats lightly. What has our world come to that these are the conversations we are having with our children first thing in the morning?
I'm not against guns at all. I grew up with two brothers, and three nephews who love guns. Not to mention, numerous uncles and cousins who all taught me how to handle and shoot a gun. One of my favorite activities in college and when I first got married was to go skeet shooting with roommates and friends. While in elementary school, I looked forward to the annual deer hunt with my dad and brothers. It was exciting to be up in the mountains and searching for the perfect buck. It hasn't been until the past year that my fear of guns has increased.
The school shooting last week in Florida has me thinking a lot of different thoughts. I don't think guns should be banned; I think we should be able to own and use guns as we see fit. But, how do we prevent future shootings? How do I continue to reassure my children and students that we are safe when the local law enforcement tells us that it's not if but when? How do I go to school in the morning and focus on what students need to learn when in the back of my mind I'm worried about whether or not my door is locked and I'm ready to close it in seconds if a shooter enters the building? Just so you know, as I got dressed this morning, my wardrobe decision consisted of what is comfortable, but also what can I run in if there is a threat.
I've always wanted to be a teacher. I read to my dolls out loud when I was growing up. I had "grade books" for them that I would keep track of, and I loved everything about education. There was a short time when I thought I would be an attorney, but that lasted about nine months. In my heart, I am a teacher.
President Trump recently spoke about the possibility of teachers carrying concealed weapons. He made some great points, but I cannot see myself carrying a weapon to school each day. School is supposed to be a place of learning and growing, not a place that feels like a prison (even though students might tell you it's that way already). I should be able to send my children to school each day without the worry of whether or not there will be a shooter. I should be able to teach my students, and allow them to teach me without the worry of whether or not there will be a shooter. We should all be able to send our children to school and go about our daily routines without the worry of whether or not there will be a shooter. We don't live in a war zone; we live in the USA. Our country is respected and admired by others because of our freedoms and the independence we enjoy. Teachers should not have to carry concealed weapons, I won't get a concealed weapon because I am way too nervous to carry a gun myself. I will rely on our law enforcement and others to help in a situation because they are better trained than I am. Not to mention, I don't think I could ever shoot a person.
I love my job, and I am not saying let's ban guns everywhere. I just want to see a positive change in the world. I want to be able to go to work without my anxiety medication and without having to warn my students of threats during first period. I want my students to come to school without having to worry about a shooter coming into the building and killing them or their friends. I don't know the answers, but I do know that I love my job and I love my students, so I'll keep coming everyday, even though there are threats out there because what I do is what I love.
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