I've been thinking a lot about guilt and blame today. There are a lot of what ifs in my head. I keep thinking, "What if I had said...?" "What if I had talked to her more rather than just saying hi in the faculty room and asking about her kids?" "What if I had known that she was this upset? Could I have stopped it?" "What if I had been closer to her?"
We actually had a meeting yesterday, and we were told that feelings of guilt are natural, but we don't want to get to the place where we blame ourselves or feel shame for what happened. The hard thing is I tend to do that. I'm the kind of person who worries and have "what ifs" in my head ALL of the time. I wasn't a really close friend of hers; we mainly just saw each other in passing in the faculty room, and our kids were together in daycare, but I still feel guilt because I am naturally this type of person. In addition, I was concerned this morning when I talked to my 16-year-old, and she was going over her "what ifs" with me in the car on the way to school. I don't have all of the answers. I don't know why things happened the way they did. I will never know all of the answers. All I do know is people are suffering, and I can't go back and change the "what ifs". We have to move forward.
So, as I've gone through my routine of teaching and then being at home with my kids today, in the back of my mind I have been thinking about the victims in this tragedy. So many people are suffering on both sides. I saw a post from the victim's mom on Facebook, and my heart was broken in two again. What an awful thing to experience! No parent should ever outlive their child or have their child taken away from them this way. Then I started thinking about the ex-husband and her twins. He is now dealing with the pain of losing a girlfriend, and he's going to be raising his twins as a single parent. I honestly can't wrap my head around it all. How do I move past the feelings of guilt and blame? How do I let people know that I sympathize with them? If I do tell them that, will they believe me? Especially when they know that I was her colleague, and I am struggling with mental illness myself?
I don't have all the answers. I wish that I did. I wish that I could talk to everyone that has been affected by this and tell them that they are in my prayers. I wish that I could go back and change the past. I am starting to see the appeal of the TV show Dr. Who because then I could be a Time Lord and travel in my Tardis to change what happened in the past. But, sadly, I can't do that.
A very wise friend told me today that he is going to focus on the good things in the past and try not to dwell on what happened over the weekend. He's going to remember the positive things that came before such a tragedy and not think about all of the negatives. As we spoke today, I realized that he has the right attitude. I can't continue to think of the "what ifs" or go back in time and change what happened. The only thing I can do is focus on the positive and try to move on from here. I can't continue with the feelings of guilt and blame; I have to wrap my head around what happened and then move on.
I have to accept that this terrible tragedy happened, and I can't fix it. All I can do is sympathize with all of the victims and all those involved and pray for them. All I can do is continue to talk to my daughter about the "what ifs" and reassure her that this isn't something that we could have seen coming.
I can also start looking at events like this with new eyes. No more will I look at a tragedy like this and assume that a person who commits such an act is 100% evil. There is good and bad in everyone; we can never tell when the bad will come out, and we can't change it when it does. Also, I will never again be able to watch the news or a TV drama or a movie or even read a book and not feel sympathy for the victims that are affected by such acts.
I know that the events of this past weekend were horrific, and I hope that no one has to ever experience what my community is experiencing right now. I hope that no one has to ever feel the guilt and worry about the "what ifs" like I am tonight. But, if they do, I want them to know that I sympathize. I want them to know that I am crying inside for them, and I would fix things for them if I could.
I just want to end with saying that not only have I learned to be more sympathetic through all of this, but I have also learned how important faith and love are in my life. I have seen an outpouring of love from those I work with and even from my students. In fact, yesterday, as I read the email to my students that we were asked to read, I had tears in my eyes. I was so worried about how this would impact the victim's family, my colleague's children and family, and the students she taught that I couldn't hold the tears in as I let my students know a terrible tragedy had occurred. Yet, when that class of students filed out the door, I had one come over and ask, "Mrs. Billings, are you okay?" He was more concerned about me than he was about his own feelings, and I was reminded then and there that love exists in this world.
So, as I experience my own feelings of guilt and blame, I just want everyone who is involved and affected by this to know that I have love for them in my heart even if I have never met them. I am praying for them; I am hoping that they will find some sense of peace eventually. I know that it will not be immediate; I know that it is going to take a long time to ever find peace, but I have faith that justice will be served and the price for what has happened will be paid. I also have an overwhelming feeling and belief in the atonement of Jesus Christ. I try not to get religious in these posts, but for some reason it is really standing out in my mind right now. I know that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, and He will encompass those who are suffering with His love. So, I'm putting my trust in Him, and I know that I will continue to feel guilt and confusion, but I also know that He will help me move past that so I can help others and lift them up when they are down.
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