Changes

 These past couple of weeks have been tough; actually, the past year has been tough. I lost my dad, my oldest moved to New York for college, I have been teaching students who are online and in class, and then in March, my mom fell and fractured four ribs and had a partially collapsed lung. As the school year comes to a close, we are getting a new principal, and the school board threw in the options of shortened days for next year instead of going back to a traditional schedule. They sprung this on everyone, teachers, students, and parents, and then asked for feedback afterwards. I'm not sure why they didn't do the surveys first before even suggesting the changes, but I'm not working at the district office or on the school board, so I can't guess what was going through their heads.

I know that this past year we have learned a lot about what is essential and that teachers need more time to grade and prepare, but at the same time, I have seen that my students and my own children are suffering from the shorter time spent in school. I have 29 students (seniors mainly) who are currently failing, and the school year basically ends on May 21. The frustrating part is a lot of them who were supposed to be in class each day decided that it was easier to go online instead of coming to class. The ones who were online haven't bothered to fully read instructions or watch videos to know what they are doing, and they are turning in really poor work. It didn't matter that I gave them examples and created multiple videos; they wanted to just get it done and get the credit. I cannot believe the quality of work that I have had turned in from concurrent enrollment students, and I know that they are not prepared for college courses next year. 

Some have told me that it will be better next year because we will not have students online and in class, but I still have my doubts. I have seen this apathy growing more and more over the past year. I get it that we are in a pandemic, and we are all experiencing new emotions and challenges. However, we aren't going to be in this situation forever. We have a vaccine for CoVid-19; in fact, not just one but three different vaccines are available. Today, the state of Utah opened up the Pfizer vaccine for kids over 12. JD will be getting his first dose in a week and a half, and VJ will get his second dose on the same day. The fact that our scientists and health professionals have worked so hard and created this vaccine is a miracle in my eyes, and it's making it possible for us to go back to a more normal life. 

We no longer have to wear a mask in Utah when we go out in public because so many have received the vaccine. The school district has let us know that it is their hope that we return to learn in the fall without masks, and we will not have a mix of online and in-person students. Once again students will need to be in class in order to get the instruction that they need, unless they choose to attend an online school. 

Yet last night, the school board announced the decision for us to go back to five days a week with one early out day, and all I heard today was the negative results of their decision. I have to say that I see the cons in this schedule, but I am personally excited to be back in the classroom for five days a week and with longer classes. Does this mean that I will have more work to do during my prep time and before and after school? Yes, but I have also learned this year how to focus on the essentials and how to leave work at work. I have been able to come home in the afternoons and actually spend time with my family because I have learned how to set boundaries for myself. It's something that has taken me 21 years to learn. Before CoVid-19, I was checking emails at all hours of the day (I still do on certain days), and I was grading seven days a week. Since we have focused on essentials this year, I have been able to cut down the amount of work I am doing after contract time.

I also am excited to be back in the classroom for longer time with my students because I can actually sit down with them face-to-face and conference with them. This year with the shorter schedule, I cut out silent reading days, and I didn't meet with my students personally at all to talk with them about their reading, their writing, or their personal goals. Now that we are returning to the longer schedule, I will have time to conference with them one-on-one, and I will be able to get to know them better a hell of a lot better than I did with the students who have been in my "class" the past nine months. I look forward to being able to go deeper into the essentials and assigning less homework. I look forward to having more time again for students to complete work in class instead of sending them home with it and not having any guidance from me when they get there. I look forward to the idea that they will learn how to prioritize and focus on their education rather than getting a full-time job and letting their learning come second. I look forward to having a flex/remediation time built into the day where I can work with them one-on-one when they need it, and also connect with them personally on the days that we are able to do connection activities. I am excited to have students in my room again during that flex time to just hang out, read a book, talk with them, give them time to do homework, or just to relax. 

I know that a lot of my colleagues feel that they were not listened to or that the needs of the teachers were not considered. However, I also know that we will never have a perfect system. After 21 years and so many different changes, there is never a one size fits all for education. I started teaching 7 periods a day, five days a week, and then we fought to have the middle schools/junior highs move to a block schedule so we could have more time for instruction, and we could have prep time every other day. Then we implemented collaboration time on Mondays, and the students left early so the teachers could work together in teams and focus on essential standards. In all honesty, collaboration time has not been my favorite, and I feel that a lot of the time we are just spinning our wheels. I have seen too many teachers who say they will complete the common assessments, but then when it is time to share data, they don't have it. I have heard way too often, "Well, I didn't have time to do it, but I can tell you from just looking at their other work whether or not they have the concepts and skills." Then this year after teaching five days a week on a shorter schedule, the school board gave the secondary students Wednesday as a remote learning day, and the teachers had the entire day to work at the school to help the students and to plan and grade. However, once again, I saw a lot of teachers who took advantage of the time, and they didn't use it like they were expected to. I'm not saying I can blame them because there were many Wednesdays when I have felt that I just couldn't go on any more. In fact, after today, which was a Wednesday, I came home feeling like I can't do any more.

I feel like I am worthless, my opinion doesn't matter nor does my experience from the past 20 years. As I sat in meetings today, I had to not share or voice my thoughts because I was the odd man out, and I knew that the others would not agree with me. I have been holding back tears all day because I honestly don't want to exist any more. The depression has settled in, and I'm fighting it, but I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. I am back to where I was as a junior in high school where I did attempt suicide. If I didn't have four kids of my own, it would actually be easy to give into the depression and just stay in my bedroom for the rest of my life. I wouldn't actually commit suicide because I know that isn't a solution, and it wouldn't really help, but I am fighting the mental illnesses that I have been fighting for years, and I'm tired of the fight. I just want to quit.

I'm sure that I am telling myself stories and creating thoughts that aren't real, and I know that Brene Brown would tell me to stop it and assume positive intent, but after the time I spent at the school today, I am not sure that I can do that. I am not sure that I can continue in public education, and I sure as heck cannot continue to go to team meetings where we all say we will do something but then we go back in our rooms and do whatever we want to do any way. When I moved from Lehi High School, I had the hope that it would be different at the new school. We wouldn't spend hours creating common assessments, and I wouldn't be the only one that actually administered them and kept data only to show up the day that we were supposed to analyze the data and find out that I was the only one that had actually given the assessments or brought the data. However, this school isn't any better about collaboration and following through than the three previous schools I taught at. 

I actually am looking into getting my doctorate degree and moving on from public schools. In fact, on Monday, I was actively looking for jobs outside of education and outside of the public school system. I was actually surprised at how many jobs are available that I am qualified for that will pay me similarly or even more than what I am making now. I have decided that I will give teaching one more year, and if the changes don't bring what I feel I need or what my students need, I will find something else. It will be perfect timing because the doctorate program I want to do will begin in June of 2022, and I can maybe take two years off to focus on that without having to worry about teaching at the same time. It makes me cry to think about leaving, but I just cannot deal with the negative that seems to be surrounding me since last March. I am ready to start fresh and hopefully the changes that come will be better than the ones that I have had to deal with for the past 14 months.