Religious Beliefs

 I decided I need to put this out in the public because I need to say it out loud to help myself. I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I graduated from Seminary, and I was a member of the Seminary Council my senior year in high school. I met President Russell M. Nelson when I was in the 9th grade, and I felt the spirit and power that he carried with him. I attended Ricks College (BYU-Idaho) and traveled as a member of the folk dance team where I was able to meet with prominent leaders of the church prior to touring in 1994 and 1995 with the team. I served a mission for the LDS church in Oakland, California from 1996-1998 where I was blessed to learn the Spanish language and grew to love the Latino culture. When I returned from my mission, I graduate from BYU, and I married Victor in the Salt Lake Temple in 1999. I served in the primary as a teacher, counselor, or chorister from 1999 to 2023. When Victor quit going to church, I still went. I felt that the church was true, and everyone else that was not a member was wrong.

However, prior to Tommy's birth in 2012, Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave a talk in General Conference about the LGBTW community, and he condemned them for being who they were. I quit watching conference at that time. When Tommy was born, Victor wanted to give him his name and a blessing in church. Our bishop at the time told Victor he couldn't do it because he did not hold a current temple recommend. We had to show the bishop in the church handbook that a temple recommend was not required for a father to give his child a name and a blessing. Victor gave Tommy the blessing, but he has not returned to church since then except to support me a few times when I spoke in Sacrament meeting or when we had the Primary Program each year. 

The year the the City Creek mall was built, Victor quit paying tithing because he found that the church had used the majority of the money to build the mall from tithing funds. I still kept paying tithing because I firmly believed that it was being used for the homeless and to relieve suffering for those who were not as fortunate as we are. 

In 2017, I asked Victor, Rachel Amanda, and VJ to attend Trek with me in Wyoming where we were able to walk the same paths that our ancestors walked when they came across the plains with Brigham Young and the early pioneers. I have a great-grandmother buried in Scotts Bluffs, Nebraska who died while crossing the plains, and when the railroad came through, they discovered her grave, and they moved the railroad lines so as not to disturb her burial spot. Her grave has since been moved, but they have erected a monument there for her that I was able to visit in 2021 and feel a little of the suffering that she must have experienced. In 2021, we also visited Carthage Jail and Nauvoo, Illinois. We were able to see the bullet holes in the jail where Joseph Smith and Hyrum Smith were martyred. We were able to see the Nauvoo Temple, and I felt the spirit as we were there and in the cemetery of Nauvoo where Victor has relatives buried with no burial markers. 

However, in 2023, the news came out that the church had been hiding over $32 billion in securities, and they had been investing in companies that only existed on paper. I had been paying over $6,000 a year in tithing just on my income alone since 2012. I paid over $60,000 to the church from 2012 to 2023, and I learned in 2023 that my tithing wasn't being used for what I thought it was being used for. I thought my money was helping to build temples, build churches, fund humanitarian relief efforts, provide education for children from other countries or even children in the U.S. who couldn't financially afford an education. I was a benefit of these funds when I attended college since I received scholarships and traveled with the dance team at ridiculously low costs. I was sick to my stomach when I learned that the church had billions hidden, and I saw that there is still so much suffering in the world. 

Around the same time, the church made a statement/policy that if a person was not heterosexual then their family should basically cut them off and not have anything to do with them. The church has since gone back on that policy, but I couldn't feel good about the thought of never speaking to a friend or family member because of their sexuality. I kept asking, What if one of my children were gay? Would I be able to cut them off? My answer was always a NO! 

This past fall, the church once again came out with a policy about transgender people, and they stated that transgenders cannot hold callings or go to a restroom in a church alone. This was the final straw for me. I know people in the church who have been bishops and in stake presidencies, and they are supposedly "good" people, but they also cheated on their wives and abused children. Just because a person is transgender does not mean they are a pedophile! 

So, I haven't gone to church since 2023, and it's still weighing on my mind. I still believe in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. I still believe that we can live eternally one day, and I believe that Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. What I don't believe in is a God who chooses which of His children we should or should not love. I do not believe in a God who asks members to pay tithing so that his prophets and leaders can invest those funds for their own personal benefits. I do not believe in a God who would tell parents that they cannot love their child because that child is homosexual or transgender. I do not believe in a God who would have all of the money that the LDS church has and not use that money to help the suffering.

I also do not believe in a God who changes His doctrine as He sees fit. In the early days of the church, polygamy was doctrine, but not all members of the church lived that doctrine. I cannot find any polygamy in my parents' lines, and remember, I have ancestors who crossed the plains with Brigham Young. I have always told Victor that I could never live polygamy, and I still feel that way. If polygamy means I will not be in the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom, then I don't want to be there.

In the early days of the church, Black people were allowed to hold the Priesthood. But then Brigham Young became prophet and it was no longer allowed. In the 1970's the church changed that and said it was modern day revelation.  I was taught growing up that Black people were descendants of Cain, and therefore, they were not worthy of holding the Priesthood. I am thankful the doctrine changed, but I don't see why it was ever doctrine in the first place.

I was also taught growing up that we would one day be Gods and Goddesses and be able to create our own worlds. In the Temple, I was promised that if I lived up to the covenants I made, I would one day be a Goddess, Queen, and Priestess who would rule with my husband over our own worlds for eternity. Now, if you look up the church's teachings, that isn't the case. We can live eternally with our families, but we will not be Gods and Goddesses. 

Another doctrine that has changed is the idea that homosexuality was a choice. As I grew up, I was taught, it was a person's decision whether or not they were gay. If they were gay, then they were evil. I never felt good about that doctrine. Then about a decade ago, the church changed its teachings, and they said people are born gay, but they shouldn't act on it. What kind of God would create someone who is gay and not allow them to act naturally? What kind of God would put His children through the torment of loving a person of the same sex but not being able to show that love?

Two recent things that have really been bothering me is the changing of the garments. When I was growing up, my mom wouldn't even allow me to wear tank tops that covered my whole shoulder. I remember fighting with her in high school because I wore a tank top a friend loaned to me that covered my shoulders, and I bought one with money I earned and wore throughout my senior year. When I entered the temple and started wearing garments, I was grateful that it wasn't a big adjustment for me since I had always worn shorts to the knee and rarely wore that tank top that covered my shoulders. I judged people who did not wear the garment properly, and I couldn't believe it when I saw people my own age who chose to not wear them so they could exercise without the garment on. I even wore my garments when I clogged! I was taught you only took them off for sex and swimming. The last few years when the church emphasized that we should wear the garment as instructed, I nodded my head and said, "Here! Here!' Imagine my surprise in October the church announced that they were changing the garment again. There will now be a cap sleeve garment top for those in hotter climates and a slip version for women. What? I wore the garments in the Dominican Republic in 2019 when the temperature was over 100 degrees. I wore the garments in Utah in the summer when the temperature was over 100 degrees. I wore the garments in California when the temperature was over 100 degrees. But now, since the church has had modern day revelation, we are going to have garments that are more comfortable for those who live in hotter climates. 

Finally, I recently learned that when the church started, one of the teachings was that children who were mentally disabled were the way they were because they were followers of Satan. Yet, when I was growing up, I was taught these children were those who fought Satan in the pre-Earth life and their disabilities are a protection for them during their Earth life. I cannot imagine my son, VJ, being a follower of Satan. He is the most loving and perfect person I know!

So, to bring it all to an end, I'm struggling. I have a lot of questions. There are a lot of other things I haven't talked about here that I also have questions about. Don't even get me started about the Book of Mormon and how it supposedly is about the Native Americans, but now it isn't necessarily about the Native Americans. My sister-in-law and I have talked about all of this, and she keeps reassuring me that it will all work out in the end, and so I keep reminding myself that it will all work out in the end.

To those of my friends who are members of the Church, I love you! I'm grateful for you and the Church. The teachings of the Church are what made me who I am today. They gave me the values and beliefs that I have today, including the belief and we are ALL God's children, and we are supposed to LOVE ONE ANOTHER and JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED. I love going to the gardens at Thanksgiving Point and walking through the statues that portray Christ's life and teachings. I love singing and hearing spiritual music. Most of all, I try to love everyone just like Jesus taught. I have students who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and I love them. I want nothing more for all of us than to live peacefully together and hopefully be together in the life after this. However, I will not be attending church in the near future because there are just too many contradictions for me to believe that this is the one true church. If I am wrong, then I am wrong, and I hope that the God I love and believe in loves me enough to forgive me and not send me to a burning hell because I truly believe that God is our Father, and He loves us unconditionally.

Changes

 These past couple of weeks have been tough; actually, the past year has been tough. I lost my dad, my oldest moved to New York for college, I have been teaching students who are online and in class, and then in March, my mom fell and fractured four ribs and had a partially collapsed lung. As the school year comes to a close, we are getting a new principal, and the school board threw in the options of shortened days for next year instead of going back to a traditional schedule. They sprung this on everyone, teachers, students, and parents, and then asked for feedback afterwards. I'm not sure why they didn't do the surveys first before even suggesting the changes, but I'm not working at the district office or on the school board, so I can't guess what was going through their heads.

I know that this past year we have learned a lot about what is essential and that teachers need more time to grade and prepare, but at the same time, I have seen that my students and my own children are suffering from the shorter time spent in school. I have 29 students (seniors mainly) who are currently failing, and the school year basically ends on May 21. The frustrating part is a lot of them who were supposed to be in class each day decided that it was easier to go online instead of coming to class. The ones who were online haven't bothered to fully read instructions or watch videos to know what they are doing, and they are turning in really poor work. It didn't matter that I gave them examples and created multiple videos; they wanted to just get it done and get the credit. I cannot believe the quality of work that I have had turned in from concurrent enrollment students, and I know that they are not prepared for college courses next year. 

Some have told me that it will be better next year because we will not have students online and in class, but I still have my doubts. I have seen this apathy growing more and more over the past year. I get it that we are in a pandemic, and we are all experiencing new emotions and challenges. However, we aren't going to be in this situation forever. We have a vaccine for CoVid-19; in fact, not just one but three different vaccines are available. Today, the state of Utah opened up the Pfizer vaccine for kids over 12. JD will be getting his first dose in a week and a half, and VJ will get his second dose on the same day. The fact that our scientists and health professionals have worked so hard and created this vaccine is a miracle in my eyes, and it's making it possible for us to go back to a more normal life. 

We no longer have to wear a mask in Utah when we go out in public because so many have received the vaccine. The school district has let us know that it is their hope that we return to learn in the fall without masks, and we will not have a mix of online and in-person students. Once again students will need to be in class in order to get the instruction that they need, unless they choose to attend an online school. 

Yet last night, the school board announced the decision for us to go back to five days a week with one early out day, and all I heard today was the negative results of their decision. I have to say that I see the cons in this schedule, but I am personally excited to be back in the classroom for five days a week and with longer classes. Does this mean that I will have more work to do during my prep time and before and after school? Yes, but I have also learned this year how to focus on the essentials and how to leave work at work. I have been able to come home in the afternoons and actually spend time with my family because I have learned how to set boundaries for myself. It's something that has taken me 21 years to learn. Before CoVid-19, I was checking emails at all hours of the day (I still do on certain days), and I was grading seven days a week. Since we have focused on essentials this year, I have been able to cut down the amount of work I am doing after contract time.

I also am excited to be back in the classroom for longer time with my students because I can actually sit down with them face-to-face and conference with them. This year with the shorter schedule, I cut out silent reading days, and I didn't meet with my students personally at all to talk with them about their reading, their writing, or their personal goals. Now that we are returning to the longer schedule, I will have time to conference with them one-on-one, and I will be able to get to know them better a hell of a lot better than I did with the students who have been in my "class" the past nine months. I look forward to being able to go deeper into the essentials and assigning less homework. I look forward to having more time again for students to complete work in class instead of sending them home with it and not having any guidance from me when they get there. I look forward to the idea that they will learn how to prioritize and focus on their education rather than getting a full-time job and letting their learning come second. I look forward to having a flex/remediation time built into the day where I can work with them one-on-one when they need it, and also connect with them personally on the days that we are able to do connection activities. I am excited to have students in my room again during that flex time to just hang out, read a book, talk with them, give them time to do homework, or just to relax. 

I know that a lot of my colleagues feel that they were not listened to or that the needs of the teachers were not considered. However, I also know that we will never have a perfect system. After 21 years and so many different changes, there is never a one size fits all for education. I started teaching 7 periods a day, five days a week, and then we fought to have the middle schools/junior highs move to a block schedule so we could have more time for instruction, and we could have prep time every other day. Then we implemented collaboration time on Mondays, and the students left early so the teachers could work together in teams and focus on essential standards. In all honesty, collaboration time has not been my favorite, and I feel that a lot of the time we are just spinning our wheels. I have seen too many teachers who say they will complete the common assessments, but then when it is time to share data, they don't have it. I have heard way too often, "Well, I didn't have time to do it, but I can tell you from just looking at their other work whether or not they have the concepts and skills." Then this year after teaching five days a week on a shorter schedule, the school board gave the secondary students Wednesday as a remote learning day, and the teachers had the entire day to work at the school to help the students and to plan and grade. However, once again, I saw a lot of teachers who took advantage of the time, and they didn't use it like they were expected to. I'm not saying I can blame them because there were many Wednesdays when I have felt that I just couldn't go on any more. In fact, after today, which was a Wednesday, I came home feeling like I can't do any more.

I feel like I am worthless, my opinion doesn't matter nor does my experience from the past 20 years. As I sat in meetings today, I had to not share or voice my thoughts because I was the odd man out, and I knew that the others would not agree with me. I have been holding back tears all day because I honestly don't want to exist any more. The depression has settled in, and I'm fighting it, but I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. I am back to where I was as a junior in high school where I did attempt suicide. If I didn't have four kids of my own, it would actually be easy to give into the depression and just stay in my bedroom for the rest of my life. I wouldn't actually commit suicide because I know that isn't a solution, and it wouldn't really help, but I am fighting the mental illnesses that I have been fighting for years, and I'm tired of the fight. I just want to quit.

I'm sure that I am telling myself stories and creating thoughts that aren't real, and I know that Brene Brown would tell me to stop it and assume positive intent, but after the time I spent at the school today, I am not sure that I can do that. I am not sure that I can continue in public education, and I sure as heck cannot continue to go to team meetings where we all say we will do something but then we go back in our rooms and do whatever we want to do any way. When I moved from Lehi High School, I had the hope that it would be different at the new school. We wouldn't spend hours creating common assessments, and I wouldn't be the only one that actually administered them and kept data only to show up the day that we were supposed to analyze the data and find out that I was the only one that had actually given the assessments or brought the data. However, this school isn't any better about collaboration and following through than the three previous schools I taught at. 

I actually am looking into getting my doctorate degree and moving on from public schools. In fact, on Monday, I was actively looking for jobs outside of education and outside of the public school system. I was actually surprised at how many jobs are available that I am qualified for that will pay me similarly or even more than what I am making now. I have decided that I will give teaching one more year, and if the changes don't bring what I feel I need or what my students need, I will find something else. It will be perfect timing because the doctorate program I want to do will begin in June of 2022, and I can maybe take two years off to focus on that without having to worry about teaching at the same time. It makes me cry to think about leaving, but I just cannot deal with the negative that seems to be surrounding me since last March. I am ready to start fresh and hopefully the changes that come will be better than the ones that I have had to deal with for the past 14 months. 

Letter to CoVid 19

 Dear CoVid 19,

    To quote Alfalfa from Little Rascals, "I hate your stinking guts! You make me sick!" I am really struggling today with everything that is going on. Rachel is stuck in an apartment by herself in New York, and she has called frustrated everyday because she is missing practices and workouts or she has to have people deliver things to her. She is super independent, and we both hate that even though she tested negative for CoVid she still has to quarantine for two weeks. She can't even go outside to talk her garbage out! This stupid virus has turned our lives upside down.

    Our three boys have been doing "online" school for the last three weeks, and today as I'm helping Tommy with his math, he can't even do basic addition or subtraction without counting on his fingers. He's in the third grade! How is he ever going to do multiplication and division if he is still counting on his fingers? I've tried flash cards, and we have watched ALL of the videos that his teachers send (sometimes multiple times), and he still is struggling. JD is failing some of his classes because he's not turning work in (I guess), and VJ is gaining nothing. All he does all day is create posters on Adobe paint. I'm glad that he is learning how to create digital art, but how is he going to survive day to day if all he does is paint on a computer? 

    Now all three of my boys are freaking out because I made the decision to see if we can send them back to school for face to face instruction. It's just not working. Victor is too busy during the day to sit down with each one of them and help them, and I get home from work so tired that all I want to do is go to sleep until the next day. I have found friends who are willing to help Tommy and JD, but in all reality no one can help VJ except his teachers. 

    I honestly have to say that I really hate this time of our lives right now. I kept thinking that 2020 had to get better, and I sing the song "Tomorrow" from Annie almost daily in my head, but I really do think it's just getting worse. VJ just brought me a news article that shows that Alpine School District has 75 positive CoVid cases, and he is shaking because he's afraid he's going to get sick. I just am ready to give up. I also find it ironic that this month is suicide prevention month, and at this point, I honestly feel like suicide might be an option. I know that it's not, and I'm not going to harm myself, but the thoughts cross my mind. I can't help but think that Victor and my kids would be better off without me since I get so stressed out about EVERYTHING and I tend to then get angry and yell or I shut down and go in my room and sleep. How is that helpful? 

    So, CoVid, if you would please just go away that would be wonderful. I am super ready for a vaccine, and I am super ready to stop reading about how the deaths are really only 2% and the flu is worse. I honestly don't give a shit what the death rate is. This disease kills, and it is a hell of a lot worse than the damn flu. In addition, do you know how many times I have come home sick in the past 20 years and then my poor family gets sick because parents sent their kids to school with the flu? I can tell you that's it has been a HELL of a lot. At least twice a year. How is it that it takes a virus like CoVid to make you all wake up and realize that maybe you should use your DAMN common sense and keep your kids home when they are sick? One of my students actually said, "I wear the mask because it's better than being on a ventilator." So for all of you who think it's not a big deal, fine, keep thinking that. But DO NOT tell me that I shouldn't worry. DO NOT tell me that since I am not over 60 or since I don't have any other health issues I don't need to worry. DO NOT tell me that I shouldn't feel bad because I have a student whose dad fell 30 feet and is in the hospital to have surgeries and his family can't visit him because of CoVid. DO NOT tell me that this is what we should have been doing all along any way. If you had all used your common sense before CoVid and stayed at home then maybe we wouldn't be experiencing this f*&^ing pandemic. Maybe if you had taught your kids to wash their hands and cover their mouth when they cough or sneeze CoVid wouldn't be a big deal. Maybe if you had used your common sense and stayed home when you didn't feel well then the elderly people in nursing homes and the hospital could have visits from family members. Maybe people that lose loved ones like I lost my dad this year could have FUNERALS and actually hug one another instead of having to have a DAMN graveside service and not touch anyone because we would have been using our common sense all along. Maybe I could send my kids to visit my 84-year-old mom who is diabetic without worrying about them spreading the disease. MAYBE life would be "NORMAL" if you had all used your common sense years ago.

    CoVid, you SUCK!

Sincerely,

Me

Saying Goodbye to my Dad

Dear Dad,

Tonight as I sit and think about the past 45 years with you, I realized that you never told me no. Every time I would ask you permission to do something your response was, "I guess that's okay" or "Well, you better ask your mother." Today when I took you to Deseret Book, I had no idea that would be the last time I took you for an errand. I thought we had a lot more time together, even though your health has not been the greatest these last few years. 

As I started telling the kids stories, Tommy said, "Mom, you are getting old because your hair is turning gray and you are telling stories." I laughed, and I am sure you laughed too because I know that you are watching us from heaven.

I hope you know how much I loved you, and how much my four kids loved you. I remember sitting with you on the floor of our living room as you read Beatrix Potter books to me out loud in the first grade. I remember you coming in to a parent/teacher night in first grade, and we got to take in those books that came with the records to share with our class, and I had taken in Pete's Dragon to share. You pointed to it and asked, "Who does that belong to?" with a big smile on your face because you knew that I was the one who had taken it in.

I remember every clogging performance that you were there for me. When I went to Ricks the first year of college and I cut my long hair just to my waist, you cried and said, "Oh, Sis! Not your hair." I cried too because I knew that you loved my hair, but you loved me more. I remember calling you that first day back from Christmas break and asking you if I could travel with the folk dance team to France and Spain that year. You didn't say no; you asked how much it would cost, and then you said, "You better ask your mother." 

That same year when I came home from college, and I had friends who called me on weekends to go dancing at 10 PM, you never said no. You simply asked who I was going with, and then when I said, "It's with Wade, Jon, Nancy, and Becky" you said, "I guess that will be okay." You accepted my friends, and you never made me feel bad for who I hung out with. I remember the day that Mike Hatch came over in high school, and he wanted to impress me by riding your motorcycle that was way too heavy for him, and you tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He crashed into Joan and Gene's fence, and you were definitely more worried about him than you were the motorcycle. You accepted that I was dating Mike, and I know that you didn't necessarily like that I had a boyfriend at that age, but you never got mad at me or forbid me from going around him. You welcomed him into our house just like he was one of our own.

I also remember the time that I wrecked the car when you and Mom had gone somewhere for the day. I had been at clogging, and I backed into a truck. The tail lights of the Dodge Aspen were broken out and the back was dented in, but you didn't get mad. You said, "Oh, that's something we can fix."

You bought that 1977 Dodge Aspen for me and LaRayne to share, and you did all you could to make sure it was reliable for us. I remember the night that I took Kirk Young to a dance, and when we came out the car wouldn't start. I called you, and you came and took home the six of us in our group in our Chevy Citation. You didn't complain about the fact that it was after 11 PM, and you could have been in bed. You just came and took us all home with no questions asked. The next day we went and got the car, and you taught me the trick to make it run again if it wouldn't start. 

I remember begging you to go on the Deer Hunt with you and Willie and Joe. I had no idea how to shoot a gun, but you let me go. I begged you to take me on a horse ride up to Timpanookie because you had taken Joe and the grandsons, and I wanted a day just with you and me. You took me, and you made sure that "Old Bo" never once got startled, and it was one of the best days of my life! My butt was super sore after because I had never ridden for that long, but you made sure I had a good time.

I remember telling you that I wanted to serve a mission, and you supported me 100%. You were there with Joe, LaRayne, and I on the day that we all went to the Provo Temple and we received our endowments together. It was such a great day because we were all there (all five of your kids), and your Uncle Glen was one of the officiators that day. He joined us in the Celestial room afterwards, and the feeling of love I felt that day was unforgettable. When I left on my mission, I looked forward to getting those letters from you every week, and I'm so grateful now that I have them in my journal so I can share them with my children.

I remember telling you that Victor and I were engaged, and you didn't blink an eye. It was the worst day I could have chosen to tell you since it was the day that Grandma Ruby passed away, but you accepted my decision and never questioned it. You were there with us at the Salt Lake Temple when we were sealed, and you were there with me for every major event after that. You were there on the day I graduated from BYU with my Bachelor's degree, and the day that I told you I was expecting Rachel Amanda. My favorite though was when I called you from the hospital after she was born, and I said, "It's a girl." You replied with a laugh and said, "April Fools!" and I had to tell you no it wasn't a joke. You took each one of my kids and you raised them as if they were your own. You never were upset that you and Mom took them while I taught full time.

The year that Rachel turned three you broke your hip while playing soccer with her in your front yard. You were 71 years old, and Victor and I had left the kids with you so we could move into the house down the road from you and Mom. You didn't complain about the pain, and you still were willing to play with all of the grandkids when you came over.

I remember the first time we went to Disneyland, and you skipped with us through the park. I clung to you as we rode on Thunder Mountain Railroad, and I thought we were going to fall out. You were laughing, and you were having the time of your life. Each time we went to the ocean you told me about your trip to Portland and the big beautiful ships you saw come into port when you went there.

Dad, you taught me to love John Wayne and all things country. I still won't watch The Cowboys because it makes me cry, and I hate movies that John Wayne dies in. I love The Quiet Man and Hatari and El Dorado and so many other John Wayne movies because of you. I remember on my mission we went to dinner at an elderly couple's home in Hayward, and he had a life-size cardboard cut out of John Wayne. He was going to send it to you, but Mom told me not to let him because we didn't have anywhere to put it at home.

Dad, I'm going to miss you, and I'm going to miss you calling me to take you on errands. I never minded taking you, and I am so grateful that you and Mom allowed me to build next door to you so we could be close for the past eight years. My children love you so much, and I love you so much! I don't know what I am going to do without you. I know that you are in a better place, and I know you are with your loved ones, but I'm going to miss you. Please know that I will always love you, and I am so grateful for all that you taught me and did for me and our family. If I could go back in time, I would just so I could go into the store with you this afternoon instead of sending you in by yourself. That is my only regret. I feel so bad that I wasn't there next to you when you passed out. I know I can't change it, and I know you wouldn't want me to feel badly, but I do. 

I love you, Dad, and I look forward to the time we will be together again!

Internment by Samira Ahmed

Warning: If reality scares you then you should definitely not read this book. 

Internment was on my to read list as soon as it was published, and I read the summary for it. I knew that I had to add it to books I had read, and I wanted a copy to put in my classroom for my students. So, this year since I had extra money in my budget, I bought the paperback copy from Amazon, and I sat down to read it. The scary part is that I read this during the Pandemic and during all of the protests to ensure Black people equal rights. I read it with the intent to learn and to listen, and I did learn a lot!

The story starts with Layla, a Muslim American, sneaking out to see her boyfriend, David. Since the previous election for President of the United States multiple exclusion laws have been put into place, and of course, Muslims are the ones that are targeted. They are stripped of their jobs and even just the sense of security that they had prior to the election. They are targeted as terrorists, and eventually, they are taken to Internment camps that are not considered part of the United States of America. Layla and her parents are taken to the camp near Manzanar on the same night that she returns from sneaking out to see David. David's family are not taken because his father is white, and they are Jewish. 

As soon as they arrive at the camp, they are assigned to "blocks" where they will live in small trailers. Each of the blocks is comprised of people from the same ethnic groups, and Layla and her friends soon see how the "director" of the camp is trying to divide them and cause contention even in the camp. Layla sees horrific things happen such as a lady getting tased and dragged off, and other people simply disappearing from the camp with no explanation.

Layla and the other teenagers her age realize that they have to resist because no one is going to get them out of the camp from the outside. Layla befriends a guard, Jake, who tells her that he is not what she thinks he is. Jake helps to sneak message from Layla to David, and he even helps David sneak into the camp a couple of times. Eventually, the Red Cross comes to visit, and Layla and her friends stage a peaceful fast where they refuse to eat. This gets the attention of the Red Cross, and there are a lot of people on the outside who are protesting as well. Unfortunately, the Red Cross does not have any real power, and they can only be there for a short amount of time to help improve the situation.

Once the Red Cross leaves, Layla is taken by the director, and she is basically tortured to try to get her to give the director names of adults who have been helping them. Luckily, Layla proves she is stronger than the director, and at the end, the Internees are freed and sent back to their homes. The sad part is that there are deaths along the way, and there are serious consequences that are very real.

As I read the book, I couldn't put it down. I was very disturbed by the fact that this could so easily happen in the United States today, and the fact that our President now has openly called Muslims terrorists, and he is trying to build a wall to keep refugees and immigrants out of the country makes it even more believable. I shivered each time I read "Make America great again." It was scary to see how easily supporters of our President are persuaded to look the other way and not speak up when they see injustice happening around them.

The current events in our country have hopefully made all of us look more deeply at our prejudices and biases, and I hope that we never turn a blind eye to injustice again. The deaths of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Trayvon Martin, Breonna Taylor, and so many others have forced us to look at the system that is built on racism and bigotry. I hope that with these deaths positive change will come, but I worry that there are too many who are still turning a blind eye when injustice happens. As the new school year approaches I plan on introducing Internment to my students and encouraging each and everyone of them to read it and contemplate its message. This is a must read for every young adult and adult in our country to learn how terrifying life can be if we don't take steps now for change.

Thoughts on Quarantine

I never thought that I would be teaching online full time. I especially never thought that my oldest child wouldn't have a traditional graduation. This year has been tough, and I am honestly feeling it. The school closed officially on March 16. My last day teaching was March 12 because I went to St. George to watch the softball team play their last games of the season on March 13 and 14. Can I tell you how glad I am that I went? I usually don't take the time off to watch Rachel play, but this year I had decided I was going to go to every game possible, and I am so glad that I did!

Since then life has been a little crazy. I've felt anger, sadness, happiness, depression, and so many things in between. But through it all, my students and my own children have helped me to remain optimistic. When Governor Herbert announced that schools would be closed for the remainder of the school year I cried off and on all day. My husband came to talk to me about things that needed to be done that day, and I told him I just couldn't function. I couldn't make decisions at that point because I was so sad that I wasn't going to get to see my daughter play high school softball ever again, and I wasn't going to teach in my classroom for the remainder of the school year, and my daughter wasn't going to have a senior prom or a typical graduation. I don't remember if I even got dressed that day. There have been days since when I haven't felt like getting out of bed, but that day was definitely the worst day of the quarantine for me. 

However, that day also helped me to reorganize and realize that even though the rest of the year wasn't going to be typical, I could do small things to help it seem normal. I started having Zoom meetings with my classes, and I held them during the times when we would have normally been in class. We did the same things I would have done in class too. I shared books with them that I have read, and then I read and discussed literature with them. We even had the class clowns join us and help us keep laughing when we really wanted to just give up and go back to bed. For my regular English 12 classes we were studying Anthony Doerr's All the Light We Cannot See, and I was super sad that I wouldn't get to do some of the cool activities I had planned, but I was still excited that so many of my students stuck with it and finished reading the book. We had our last Zoom meeting yesterday, and the majority of my students have completed the reading and the quizzes that were on Canvas for them. I even had one student who is usually a rebel and not motivated at all join in every meeting that he could, and he has completed the quizzes online. I love that kid, and I am so sad that I am not going to be able to give him a hug at graduation and tell him how proud of him I am. Another student sent me an email, and he said, "I'm going to read the whole book; I don't want to read the summaries for the parts that you sent us. I want to read it all, so I am going to need extra time for the quizzes. Is that ok?" You bet it was ok! I love seeing my students enjoy the literature that we study in class.

The last thing that I did to try to make things normal, but to also let my students know I love them, is I sent out "Skyridge Shout Out" cards to every student. I still have 21 to write, but before the year ends, every one of my students will have a card from me letting them know that I saw their hard work, and I appreciate and love them so much. We only have 20 days until the official last day of school, and it is still feeling weird for me, but I'm feeling optimistic as well. I know that my seniors have worked their guts out this year and for the last 13 years of their lives to get their high school diplomas. I know many of them don't know where they will be in the fall, but I know that they will be successful wherever they end up. They truly are an amazing group of people! 

When I was pregnant in 2001, and I saw the planes hit the Twin Towers in New York on live television, I wondered what I was doing bringing a child into this world. Then she came, and her birth was not easy. She really should have been delivered by c-section, but the doctor insisted that we deliver her naturally. She came out with bruises on her head from the vacuum, and her skin was super dry because she was a week overdue, but she survived. She has been so strong, so intelligent, and so loving! I know she came at the right time, and I know her friends came at the right time because they are all strong, intelligent, and loving. Then this pandemic hit, and I thought, "Man, this really sucks for these poor kids!" They were born in a world of uncertainty, and now they are graduating in a world of uncertainty, but I know they are ready to face the uncertainty with courage. They have never backed down from the challenges and trials that have been thrown their way. I am so proud of the class of 2020, and I know that this isn't what they wanted or dreamed of, but I will always remember them as the class that overcame all the odds, and they will be the students I talk about for years to come.

The Wicked King by Holly Black

After finishing The Cruel Prince, I couldn't wait to start the second book in the series, The Wicked King. This book tells the story of Jude as she serves as the High King's Seneschal, but in all reality, she is the one ruling the kingdom. Jude has moved into the palace to keep a close eye on Cardan, and she is the one who is making all of the decisions about what he does as king. In addition, she has been intercepting messages from Balekin, Cardan's brother, who murdered their father in an effort to take the crown, but Jude tricked Cardan into being king before Balekin had a chance.
As Jude goes to the jail to meet with Balekin, she meets Cardan's mother, and she learns more about her own mother from Lady Asha. Also, she learns that Balekin is plotting with the Queen of the Undersea, Orlagh, to take the crown away from Cardan.
Meantime, her stepbrother, Oak, is living in the mortal world with her sister, Vivi, and their twin sister, Taryn, is preparing for her marriage to Locke. Locke appoints himself the Master of Revels, and he makes sure that all that is happening in the kingdom is one party after another. Jude is worried at first about Locke's intentions, but she realizes that she can't take the title away from Locke if she wants to make it seem like Cardan is really the High King and acting on his own decisions.
When Oak returns to the kingdom for Taryn's wedding, Jude and her stepfather, Madoc, are ready for an attack from the Undersea, which surprisingly doesn't come the way they expected. Instead, Jude is lured away from the wedding and captured by Queen Orlagh and Balekin. She is held in the Undersea Kingdom for almost a month before Cardan is able to negotiate for her return. In exchange for Jude though, he allows Queen Orlagh to attack the Court of Termites and orders them to not retaliate. When she returns to the land, Jude has to figure out a way to please Cardan, Madoc, and the Court of Termites without starting a war. She pretends to be glamoured by Balekin in order to get back into the palace, and he attempts to frame her for poisoning Cardan.
The end of the book is just as much of a twist to me as the first one was. I won't tell you what exactly happens, but Jude does kill Balekin, and Cardan is able to remain on the throne as the High King of Elfhame. Taryn, her twin sister, marries Locke, and Oak is returned to the mortal world safely.
I feel like the best part of this book is the relationship between Jude and Cardan. In the first book, he admits that he can't stop thinking about her, but he hates it because she is mortal, and he doesn't want to be attracted to her. In this book, however, the two of them act more on their feelings of attraction for one another, and it turns out to be exactly what Jude shouldn't have done. The entire time I was reading, I kept thinking that it would be Taryn and Locke who betrayed her, and I was shocked at the end to see who was the real person behind her betrayal. Holly Black has done a spectacular job of building the kingdom of Elfhame along with believable and lovable characters. Now that I have seen that Cardan and Jude really do care for each other, I can't wait to see how the series comes to an end.